The UNIT Bulletin Board
by Quatermass
Summary: It isn't easy controlling UNIT, what with restless soldiers, an eccentric alien for a scientific advisor, and threats of death rays, extraterrestrial invasion, and doomsday devices around every corner. So the Brigadier, in an effort to keep control, posts regular missives on the UNIT Bulletin Board...
1. Foreword

**FOREWORD**

Normally, I wouldn't consider doing any 'pure' _Doctor Who_ fanfic, as I intend to save all my story ideas for a fullblown _Doctor Who_ story for if I ever get to write for the series (especially for Big Finish). But ideas occur at the oddest time, and while this is a pure _Doctor Who_ fanfic, it's impossible that I would ever be able to turn this into an actual story.

The biggest inspiration for this fic are _Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Missive from the Commander_ by jesakofedo and _Things Konoha Genin are not Allowed to Do_ by one of my regular readers, jgkitarel. A quick search turned up no similar fics for _Doctor Who_ , as far as I can tell. There may be, and if there are, I apologise in advance, for I thought I was writing something remotely original.

Anyway, unlike most of my other fics, this fic will have very short chapters, few annotations, and be based more on the classic series than the new series.

The usual disclaimers. Firstly, I annotate my fics normally. While most of the jokes won't be, for the sake keeping them funny, some references will be noted.

Secondly, this is an M-rated work, with a lot of language, crass humour, and sexual references. You have been warned.

Thirdly, this is a parody, with a lot of humour and probably is what some people might call a crack fic. Any fanboys who complain about the continuity issues, and that so and so wouldn't do such a thing, stop reading and get out. This is meant (theoretically) to be funny.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. _Doctor Who_ is the property of the BBC, etc. Please support the official release. Otherwise, UNIT will use you as cannon fodder during the next time they fight an alien invasion.


	2. Chapter 1: UNIT's Birthing Pains

**CHAPTER 1:**

 **UNIT'S BIRTHING PAINS**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL:

In future, candidates for the position of Scientific Advisor are NOT to be pranked. Group Captain Gilmore was not amused when Professor Jensen was returned with half her head shaved, and Miss Williams was returned with her skin dyed green and wearing nothing more than a swimsuit and a sign declaring her to be an alien concubine.

In addition, Professor Travers (both of them) did not appreciate those 'balls of steel' jokes, considering what happened involving the Yeti and their control spheres. And the less said about Professor Quatermass and the glove-puppet incident, the better. And while we aren't on the best of terms with the Torchwood Institute, I do not want a repeat of the incident involving Captain Harkness, a bag of feathers, three NAAFI thermoses, a jar of curry powder, and eight feet of rubber tubing, regardless of how much Harkness enjoyed it.

The United Nations Intelligence Taskforce is meant to be an organisation where we show the face of humanity to other worlds. Admittedly, it may be because our faces will be the last thing invaders will see before we shoot them, but I hope that UNIT will also be at whatever peaceful contact alien life makes with us. So these puerile activities will cease forthwith. Including whoever doped my tea with that drug that made me forget how many years it has been since the Yeti incursion.

BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Corporal Benton: You'll get a chance to try undercover work when we start our investigation into International Electromatix. However, you will _not_ be given a tuxedo and a Walther PPK. And for heaven's sake, man, do NOT talk like Sean Connery, OR George Lazenby for that matter.

Captain Turner: It may be true that 'girls love a man in uniform', but I would thank you not to bring them back to base. Rank may have its privileges, but they only go so far. And don't make advances towards my wife. Our marriage is in enough trouble as it is.

New personnel: Any jokes involving spiderwebs, big furry costumes, or balls will be punished harshly. This is your only warning.

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **A good start, I think. Anyone get the joke about the glove puppet?**


	3. Chapter 2: Too-Biased Against Vaughn?

**CHAPTER 2:**

 **TOO BIASED AGAINST VAUGHN?**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL:

We are currently investigating International Electromatix and its CEO, Tobias Vaughn. Please keep in mind that we have no authorisation to go in guns blazing, and anyone who believes otherwise has been spending too much of their leave going to the local cinema.

Also, whoever keeps switching around the dates on my files will be court-martialled. We are not living in the late Seventies or Eighties, not yet!

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Corporal Benton: In future, when following someone to pick them up, do not play a game of 'Find the Lady' with them. Losing your money to the Doctor is your own fault. Also, try not to give them a 'Mafia thug' air next time you are sent to pick them up.

Captain Turner: Getting a black eye because you gawped at McCrimmon's photograph of Miss Heriot and made lewd remarks is what I would consider a self-inflicted injury.

The Doctor: While we are appreciative of your improvements to the equipment on our mobile base, I would suggest that you refrain from doing so while we are preparing for take-off, or in flight for that matter. A Hercules aircraft is very expensive, and I am sure the taxpayers, as well as the widows of my men, would want to find the man responsible for making it crash so that they may desecrate your remains. On another note, why do you keep referring to Tobias Vaughn as 'Bill Gates, over a decade too early and only slightly less evil'? And please return Benton's money to him. He sends money regularly to his mother, and I don't want to be the one who needs to explain to her where her Bingo money went.

McCrimmon: I understand your anger at Turner's remarks towards Miss Heriot, but I would ask that you refrain from assaulting my officers. I know you ensured that Driver Evans had a wonderful career as a soprano after he wolf-whistled at Miss Waterfield and tried to grope Professor Anne Travers, but Turner, unlike Evans, is a competent soldier and a good man. And he has a marvellous tenor voice that would be ruined if you hurt him. Plus, stop playing that IE radio loudly. Yes, many of the men enjoyed that impromptu playing of _Paint It Black_ , but they are soldiers on duty, not long-haired youths at a concert.

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **It's the beginning of** ** _The Invasion_** **.**


	4. Chapter 3: Cyberman, Cyberman, Does

**CHAPTER 3:**

 **CYBERMAN, CYBERMAN, DOES WHATEVER A CYBER CAN…**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

The extraction operation of Miss Zoe Heriot and Miss Isabel Watkins was a success. Something of a qualified success, given that it was loud and noisy, but this was due to Tobias Vaughn having a small private army with itchy trigger fingers.

In addition, the Doctor and Mr McCrimmon have, against all odds, successfully completed a subsequent infiltration of International Electromatix, and have discovered the true nature of our foe: Cybermen, a life-form that was once organic, but was cybernetically enhanced. It is believed that Tobias Vaughn has sold out the human race to these creatures. We suspected as such any way, but we didn't know who he allied with.

Unfortunately, Major-General Billy Rutlidge is being somewhat obstructive. As we cannot get the men to (and I am quoting some of you here) 'storm the hell out of the place', I will have to go to Geneva. I will leave before long, and I only ask that you do not get into any fighting or misadventures.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Corporal Benton: Apt though it is, given that they are walking unpalatable tinned meat, the official codename for Cybermen will NOT be Spam. I may just use it on unofficial files, though, and you will be given due credit. Also, give my regards to your mother.

Captain Turner: As tempting as it may be to buzz International Electromatix with the helicopter, that will only serve to aggravate them further, and tempt them to shooting you down. Helicopters are very expensive. Also, in addition, please refrain from lewd remarks around Miss Watkins, and ESPECIALLY Miss Heriot. Mr McCrimmon will otherwise show you how he uses his skean-dhu. I am told they are good for gelding.

The Doctor: Thanks for fixing the beverage machines in the mess, though I am not sure that confiscating the sugar to scan for Cybermen viruses is a good idea. Also, when you discuss highly sophisticated scientific language, is it at all possible for you to offer an abridged version immediately? And why did you tell Benton's mother to pick those exact Bingo numbers?

McCrimmon: Do not let the women intimidate you into escorting them to the sewers, even if they call you a chicken, and make 'bwark, bwark' noises. Also, yelling 'Creag an Tuire!' at an enemy soldier may have been intimidating during the Battle of Culloden, but will probably not work on a modern guard or soldier, and certainly not on a Cyberman.

Miss Heriot: No, I am not sending men to pick up your sparkly catsuit from the flat. Besides it being a waste of time and resources, we don't need to give Captain Turner any more excuse to drool over you. In addition, why do you keep asking to play the Nintendo? Is that a musical instrument? Also, given what Miss Watkins said about the computer in International Electromatix, would you kindly write down a manual on how to confuse a computer to death?

Miss Watkins: Unfortunately, all photographs will be confiscated under the Official Secrets Act. I suggest not encouraging Captain Turner to pose in nothing but trunks for your photos. And yes, we will be looking to rescue your uncle. Finally, no, going into the sewers to photograph the Cybermen is a bad idea. As skilled as you are with photography, you are proposing going into a dark sewer with potentially hundreds of homicidal cyborgs, without military back-up. This is a _bad idea_.

Mr Cl3v3r, L33t H4xx0r: Whoever you are, stop hacking UNIT computers and leaving incoherent messages. 'All your base are belong to us' is not only not funny, but worse, it has appalling grammar.

 **CHAPTER 3 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **How many people get who 'Mr Clever' is? The name's a fairly big clue: it is a character from** ** _The Invasion_** **, but also the name of a similar character from later in the series…much later.**


	5. Chapter 4: Teenage Nitwit Cyborg Hunters

**CHAPTER 4:**

 **TEENAGE NITWIT CYBORG HUNTERS**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

It is with great sorrow that I must report the death of Private Perkins. Perkins died attempting a withdrawal from his position, having attempted, along with the others present, to use grenades to kill a trio of Cybermen in the sewers. Unfortunately, one of the Cybermen survived, and killed him with a death ray. His body was recovered by Captain Turner and company, as was that of a policeman, yet to be identified, who followed Watkins, Heriot, and McCrimmon into the sewers.

In addition, Miss Watkins' photographs, which she risked her life, and the lives of others for, are frankly abysmal in quality. Even the clearest one looks like a man in a helmet and a wetsuit painted silver, like a costume in a low-budget television series. Hopefully, I can still make my case in Geneva.

In happier news, our operation to extract Professor Watkins was a success. We will be using his house as a secondary headquarters, and I must ask that all personnel using it treat it with due care and respect. Certainly more than Miss Watkins herself has, given that she has scrawled telephone numbers onto the wall of the hall.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Corporal Benton: Your actions during the Professor Watkins extraction were commendable. However, in future, you do not take orders from civilians, even if they are associates of the Doctor, and/or beautiful women, and/or call you chicken, unless I give you specific instructions. And if a policeman does interfere, do try to use the Official Secrets Act to try and hold him back. Scotland Yard is not happy, especially as they think that cleaning the uniform alone will be expensive.

Captain Turner: Being angry at Miss Heriot and Miss Watkins was justifiable, and we are lucky that we didn't lose anyone other than Perkins and the policeman. However, while forgiveness is a virtue, forgetting what had happened because Miss Watkins called you her 'dolly soldier' and gave you a long, hard snog is not acceptable.

The Doctor: Please stop taunting Mr Cl3v3r about your own 'l33t h4xx0r' skills. I only used the term 'hacking' because you used it. In addition, what have you done to the men's coffee? They seem to be moving at speeds Roger Bannister would envy! And stop sharing looks with Professor Watkins and Miss Heriot, and chuckling evilly. I'm beginning to wonder what side you are on.

Miss Heriot: For someone who is meant to be a computer and logic genius from the next century, you did a very idiotic thing, something that resulted in the death of one of my men. As punishment, you will be the tea lady.

McCrimmon: What did I say? I don't care how many times they made the 'bwark-bwark' noise. And you only have yourself to blame for going up the sewer ladder before Miss Watkins, and she got to see exactly what was under your kilt. Apparently she was impressed.

Miss Watkins: I order you to cease the following: undertaking expeditions to take photographs of homicidal monsters; going into situations that may require my men to risk their lives to save you; using your feminine wiles to get your way; calling any of my men, and Turner in particular, a 'dolly soldier'; dismissing the policeman pursuing you as 'the filth'; taking photographs of anyone other than hired models. This includes Miss Heriot: she will be busy making neuristors. And tea.

Professor Watkins: Please stop ranting about Tobias Vaughn and his 'chest of steel'. People will look askance at you. And no, you will not allowed any coffee. Your niece warned us about that incident involving the microwave dish and the squirrel.

Mr Cl3v3r, L33t H4xx0r: One: What does 'you have no chance to survive make your time' mean? Two: how are you even reading my messages if you're only attacking the computers and leaving obscene pornographic images on the screens, with captions like 'B3H0LD 1LL0G1C4L M34TB4G R3PR0DUCT10N'? Three: is that really what Tobias Vaughn gets up to in his office at night? If so, I may need enough drink to erase that mental image from existence.

 **CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Poor Brigadier, surrounded by idiots and madmen.**


	6. Chapter 5: At Last, Something to Shoot!

**CHAPTER 5:**

 **AT LAST, SOMETHING TO SHOOT!**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

The Cybermen have begun their invasion. Thankfully, enough UNIT personnel had neuristors taped to their necks, but even so, almost the entire population of Earth is currently unconscious, and/or dead, with Cybermen patrolling the streets. Under the circumstances, I believe that navigating the bureaucracy at Geneva is something of a moot point.

We have started on a plan to stop the Cybermen. A missile base at Henlow Downs will be where we begin fighting back, and there was a planned lunar orbit mission by the Russians. The latter could be used to send a nuclear warhead to the Cybermen's mothership. I think the difficult part will be convincing the Russians that we are being invaded by homicidal cyborgs who look like they belong in a low-budget TV series.

The Doctor has gone in to infiltrate International Electromatix to get more intelligence on Vaughn. Somehow, I don't think it will end well.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Corporal Benton: You now have the glamorous job of monitoring the radio transmissions from the Doctor as he infiltrates International Electromatix. Consider this your punishment for driving McCrimmon, Miss Heriot, and Miss Watkins to the sewer. And you are banned from drinking tea until we fix whatever the Doctor did to the machines in the kitchen.

Captain Turner: Have fun dealing with the Russians. I sent you there because you know the language, you have considerable powers of tact and diplomacy, and because Miss Watkins seems to have you on a leash. I heard the missile base commander is a woman, though, so for goodness' sake, man, do not flirt with her, lest we end up with an international incident after we stop this invasion.

The Doctor: Please stop annoying me with these references to TV shows from the future: I have no idea of who the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are, or why they would live in sewers. In addition, I heard from Benton that, after you recovered from the Cybermen's signal (due to carelessly not having your neuristor on you), you said that the hangover was worse than that time you had your 450th birthday at the Maldovarium. Is that a good place to have a drink?

Miss Heriot: Thanks to your programming abilities at Henlow Downs and the impressive use of the missiles to shoot down the Cybermen spaceships, you are officially off tea duty. Though I have to wonder what you meant when you said it was more fun than playing 'Space Invaders'.

McCrimmon: You know, for a Highlander who was supposed to be at Culloden, you seem to be making a fuss about your bullet wound. Surely muskets at the time hurt a lot more? That being said, your skills with your knife are impressive, but I would suggest not throwing it at the infirmary wall. Not only is it causing unnecessary damage, but you scared one of my Privates when he entered with your lunch. ( _The following in italics is crossed out_ ) _I do not like having my Privates threatened with a knife_ …never mind.

Miss Watkins: Any further attempt to flirt with my men will end with your summary execution by firing squad. If it makes you feel any better, when we launch a raid on International Electromatix, you can take photos of us. They won't be published publicly, thanks to the Official Secrets Act, but it will be good for bringing in the new recruits. Plus, we may actually have decent photos of Cybermen in daylight, because God only knows we need the evidence for UNIT HQ in Geneva…

Professor Watkins: Yes, you got shot. No, you will not be getting any more morphine than allowed by our medic.

Mr Cl3v3r, L33t H4xx0r: Or the Cyberplanner, as you really are. How come the guiding intelligence of a race of homicidal, emotionless cyborgs is so immature and puerile? And what is this 'ragequit, KTHNX **DIE** ' thing you are threatening us with?

 **CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Nearly the end of** ** _The Invasion_** **. Spot the references to the New Series, as well as Dragonball Z Abridged.**

 **Review-answering time! I'm surprised I got any.** **UnpublishedWriter** **:** ** _The Invasion_** **is out on DVD. The first and fourth episodes are missing, but the DVD uses animation with the original soundtrack.**


	7. Chapter 6: Baptism of Laser-Fire

**CHAPTER 6:**

 **BAPTISM OF LASER-FIRE**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

I am happy to say that UNIT, and indeed the Earth, has survived its baptism of laser-fire. The Cybermen's fleet is now debris, as is the bomb they nearly fired into Earth. Tobias Vaughn, along with key personnel of International Electromatix, are dead, victims of the Cybermen. Thankfully, casualties during our raid of IE were minimal. Thanks to Miss Watkins, we also have a photographic record. So we can at least justify our funding to Geneva. I should really talk to Group-Captain Gilmore about this…

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Corporal Benton: I am glad to hear that your mother won big at Bingo, and that you will be taking an extended holiday with her. But please remember that you are bound by the Official Secrets Act, so don't tell her about it. If she starts talking about such things, anyway, she might get sectioned.

Captain Turner: I warned you, didn't I? You are very lucky that Commander Bykovsky is forgiving enough to not do more than slap you. I heard rumours that she was of the…Sapphic persuasion, shall we say? As it is, you have Miss Watkins eyeing you up, and Professor Watkins plotting your murder for seducing his niece, even though it seems she's seducing you. Still, well done on sending that missile into the Cybermen's mothership. But if you do intend to elope with Miss Watkins, Gretna Green may not be far enough.

The Doctor: I'm sorry that the medic nearly killed you with aspirin, but you complained of both a headache and burns to your rear end(1). Should we ever retain your services, we will list that under 'allergies' on your personnel file.

Miss Heriot: I can see why you wanted that sparkly catsuit retrieved. My men are most appreciative, and I certainly appreciate the boost in morale. But who is the Karkus, and why do you keep saying that, and I am quoting you verbatim here, 'kicked his musclebound arse in the Land of Fiction and made him my slave'?

McCrimmon: Good Lord, man, how did you drink an entire bottle of medicinal grade alcohol and only get a bad hangover?! According to our medic, you should be dead, and pickled to boot! And please do not say it's because you're a Highlander!

Miss Watkins: As competent Captains are hard to find, could you restrain from flirting with Captain Turner any further? Your uncle is plotting his murder.

Professor Watkins: As competent Captains are hard to find, could you restrain from plotting Captain Turner's murder?

Mr Cl3v3r, L33t H4xx0r: As you are now currently a cloud of atomised dust, I believe that, with the assistance of the Doctor and Miss Heriot for the lingo, I have the last word. And here it is: **_PWNED!_**

 **CHAPTER 6 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **The end of** ** _The Invasion_** **, but not the end of the madness. Next chapter, the beginning of** ** _Spearhead from Space_** **.**

 **Oh, and look, it's my first numbered annotation.**

 **1\. In** ** _The Mind of Evil_** **, the Doctor states that aspirin can kill him. And in case you're wondering about the burns to his rear-end, blame Patrick Troughton for hamming it up during that sequence. Every time an explosion (set off by Cybermen shooting at him) went off, he'd clutch his bum and howl.**


	8. Chapter 7: In Living Colour!

**CHAPTER 7:**

 **IN LIVING COLOUR!**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

It is with great sorrow that I must report the death of Captain Turner. As you know, Captain Turner left UNIT some months ago to marry Isobel Watkins at Gretna Green. Sadly, the American colloquialism 'shotgun wedding' applied rather strongly here, as Professor Watkins used a shotgun on Turner, and he had been in a coma since, until he finally perished recently. Professor Watkins is currently in the custody of C19, and his niece is currently pursuing a career abroad.

In lighter news, we now finally have a scientific advisor for UNIT, Doctor Elizabeth Shaw, newly seconded from Cambridge. Unfortunately, she has no detectable sense of humour whatsoever, so please, refrain from any hazing or comments. Yes, she's an attractive young woman, but she also has more degrees than the rest of UNIT's staff combined. She could probably kill you with her brain.

All personnel are to be advised not to strip down during the current heatwave. Especially if they're searching for the meteorites that fell in Oxley Woods. In addition, keep an eye out for local poacher Sam Seeley: he is notorious in those parts, and may attempt to steal one to sell.

I would also like to confirm my decision to put a guard on the Police Box that appeared in the woods. The man who fell out of it may not look like the Doctor, but how many Police Boxes are in odd places like the middle of a forest?

Finally, if the press call, hang up immediately. Even if it's from someone claiming to be from _Crochet Monthly_.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Captain Munro: Yes, I want an eye kept on that man, as well as two guards on the Police Box. And you dropped the ball somewhat with those reporters mobbing us. By the way, what do you think this maybe-Doctor meant when he looked at his face, and yelped, "Bloody Hell, they've changed me into Worzel bloody Gummidge!"?

Dr Shaw: While on the face of it, fighting robotic Yeti in command of a living cobweb and homicidal cyborgs from a twin planet of Earth does sound like something from bad science fiction, I have actually experienced it.

A MEDICAL NOTICE FROM DOCTOR ELIZABETH SHAW:

Would all UNIT personnel please report to me for immediate and urgent testing for Acute Faecal Encephalopathy?

 **CHAPTER 7 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **And now, in living colour! Yes, it's the beginning of** ** _Spearhead from Space_** **. While Liz is present, she'll be giving medical announcements. The Doctor will start putting up notices, once he joins UNIT as well.**

 **Okay, so the Watkins and Turner didn't end up like this canonically. It's meant to be darkly comic, and screwing around with canon.**


	9. Chapter 8: Glowing Plastic Soccer Balls

**CHAPTER 8:**

 **GLOWING PLASTIC SOCCER BALLS**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

A remedial course on rules of engagement will be given to all UNIT personnel in light of the incident that saw the man who could be the Doctor get shot in the head. I would also suggest a series of eye exams, given that the guard on the TARDIS couldn't see that his target's mouth was taped shut, except it was either by luck or poor aim that the maybe-Doctor only got a grazed skull rather than his brains decorating the undergrowth in Oxley Woods. As it is, he not only survived, but stole clothes, a car, and made his way back here.

On second thoughts, the eye exams will take place. We at least need people who can hit aliens marching towards them.

Also, I would like to address the complaints made against Dr Shaw by saying: I warned you. Be thankful she is only spiking tea and coffee mugs with laxatives, and not, say, cyanide, arsenic, or LSD.

It seems that we are dealing with aliens who use plastic (or something like it) meteorites to invade. In future, do not muck about upon finding one by playing soccer with the glowing plastic balls. This is a serious military operation, not the FIFA World Cup. This delay is why I think someone managed to steal one of them from a crashed jeep.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Captain Munro: We need to find that 'meteorite' that was taken from the crashed jeep. And please don't don the deerstalker and cape. Stick to your uniform, man.

Dr Shaw: Thank you for restricting yourself to non-lethal means of retaliation against my men. But kindly refrain from trying to short-circuit General Scobie's brain by telling him that the Police Box in our lab is a spaceship. Which is technically untrue, as it is supposedly a time machine. And kindly refrain from mentioning exploratory surgery in front of the Doctor. Apparently that was why he fled the hospital.

The (maybe) Doctor: Stealing clothes is understandable, but you stole someone's car. For the time being, I can probably get away with saying it has been requisitioned by UNIT for the period of an emergency (and considering that said emergency involved you getting vivisected, that does count), but you'll have to give it back. Also, you're the Doctor only on probation. I need further convincing about what the Time Lords did (incidentally, what a ridiculous name for an alien race). But why do you sound like that man from _The Navy Lark_? By the way, my men said you made an impressive escape from your kidnappers in a wheelchair. Shame the guards I put about the TARDIS shot you. Oh, and incidentally, no, I will not give you back the key, even if you say 'pretty please with sugar on top', even in Delphon. Eyebrow-waggling is NOT a language.

A MEDICAL NOTICE FROM DOCTOR ELIZABETH SHAW:

Would the Doctor please report to me? I wish to confirm some facts about your physiology, in the interests of sci- I mean, making sure that I know how to treat you.

( _Handwritten below_ )

How would YOU feel if a veterinarian decided to do some surgery on you?

-The Doctor.

 **CHAPTER 8 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **The chaos around the Nestene invasion continues…**

 **Review-answering time! More from** **UnpublishedWriter** **: The first microwave oven was actually available since the 40s, and the first relatively small one was invented in the Sixties. In any case, I meant a microwave dish, as in a microwave-emitting dish antenna. I hadn't thought about the trophy head, but I'd like to think that the Brigadier got one, and gave it to Kate as a birthday present. Unfortunately, it didn't help his marriage. And while it wasn't my intention for Jon Pertwee to exist in this universe (I assumed the Worzel Gummidge books did instead), I decided to roll with it, as the reference to** ** _The Navy Lark_** **showed.**


	10. Chapter 9: Fantastic Plastic

**CHAPTER 9:**

 **FANTASTIC PLASTIC**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

Our mission to retrieve one of the plastic meteorites from the domicile of one Sam Seeley proved to be a success in that we retrieved it with no casualties on our end. And thanks to the Official Secrets Act, he cannot complain about the damage the animated mannequin did to his cottage, or claim compensation. Given that he was foolish enough to sneak into an area where soldiers could have shot him, stolen a highly dangerous alien artifact that could have gotten him killed, and then had the temerity to demand a reward for it, he should count his lucky stars.

On a note less full of schadenfreude, Mr Ransome has vanished from the tent where we were keeping him, either running off or being abducted. As many of you know, Mr Ransome ran up to our soldiers, screaming about monsters, and so, it was sheer luck that he wasn't shot. He did, however, give us some intriguing intelligence about an animated mannequin at a plastics factory he was once a part-owner of. His stake was bought out and he was fired, with Mr Hibbert, the current owner, replacing him with a man by the name of Channing. During our visit to this factory, I believe I saw the attempted kidnapper of the maybe-Doctor. In any case, we should be able to raid the plastics factory before long, on suspicion of aiding and abetting an alien invasion. Even if we have to fight our way through living mannequins.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Captain Munro: Stop donning that deerstalker and cape, man! You may have managed to get the location of that meteorite out of that poacher, but that doesn't give you licence to dress as Sherlock Holmes! And considering you lost Mr Ransome, I don't think you have any reasonable claim to emulating Mr Holmes!

Dr Shaw: You went against orders by taking the TARDIS key and giving it to the maybe-Doctor. The only reason why you are not being reprimanded more than you are now is that it was funny to see the maybe-Doctor rush out of it, while smoke billowed from it. And I would appreciate it if you refrained from vivisecting him. If he really is the Doctor, then he's doing what he does best. So far, that means being both infuriating and competent. Rather like you.

The Maybe-Doctor: As much as I would like to point and laugh at you for your failure to leave Earth, I am not that sort of person. And your offer of using the still-smoking TARDIS interior as a makeshift smokehouse intrigues me. I am partial to kippers, myself. But in future, kindly don't try to leave Earth before we have finished an operation. It would help immensely if you were here to prevent the end of civilisation as we know it on this planet.

A MEDICAL NOTICE FROM DOCTOR ELIZABETH SHAW:

Would the Doctor kindly assist me in determining why there are so many 'pumpkin positives(1)'? I'm using your otoscope(2), and the light's shining right through my patients' skulls.

( _Handwritten below_ )

Sadly, it's not because you're dealing with soldiers. It's because you reversed the polarity on my special otoscope that you borrowed. I'll have to give them pills so that the radiation doesn't kill what brain cells they have remaining. Now, where did I put that box the Thals gave me on Skaro?

-The Doctor

 **CHAPTER 9 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Sorry about the wait, and sorry about the crap chapter. Motivation has been lacking. With the next chapter, the events of** ** _Spearhead from Space_** **will conclude.**

 **1\. A 'pumpkin positive' is medical slang (probably anachronistic, considering this chapter is set in the late 60s/early 70s) for when a penlight is shone through someone's ear, and, figuratively, comes out the other side, like a hollowed-out pumpkin for Halloween. Liz is using it somewhat more literally.**

 **2\. An otoscope is that thing doctors shove in your ear to look at your ear canal and eardrum. As opposed to, say, a surveillance device Orochimaru created for Oto.**


	11. Chapter 10: Dummy Run

**CHAPTER 10:**

 **DUMMY RUN**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

First, robotic Yeti with oversized ball bearings controlling them. Next, homicidal cyborgs who removed emotion from their brains. And now, window shop dummies. Thankfully, the cover-up is being handled by C19, as I would be hard-pressed to explain how a bunch of mannequins came to life and began shooting down civilians left, right, and centre with guns in their hands. Literally, they have energy weapons built into their hands. It sounds ridiculous, though the reality is frightening. More and more, I feel like the protagonist of a low-budget science fiction television serial. And I've just remembered, I have to pay my licence fee.

Anyway, despite the interference of a doppelganger version of General Scobie, created by the Nestene Intelligence (the responsible party for this invasion, which looked, according to the Doctor and Doctor Shaw, like a massive molesting squid), and our two Doctors breaking into Madame Tussauds, we successfully launched an attack on the plastics factory. Hibbert was apparently dead thanks to Channing, who then set the Nestene creature on the Doctor. Thankfully, he had cooked up some sort of device that destroyed the creature, though not before he got rather too-intimately acquainted with its tentacles. With that, I think the Doctor has re-established his bona fides, and he is now Chief Scientific Advisor to UNIT, with Doctor Shaw as his assistant.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Captain Munro: In future, man, even if a superior officer demands an artifact you are still analysing, refer it to me! Especially if he behaves differently and looks like someone smeared Vaseline all over his face! I am transferring you back to the regular army. There, you can take orders from the real Scobie, who, I am given to understand, enjoyed his time being forced to imitate his own waxwork at Madame Tussauds. ' _So many people were adoring me_ ', he told me.

Dr Shaw: I'm sorry that you feel that you are being relegated to a lab assistant to the Doctor. Rest assured, it won't boil down to you passing him test tubes and telling him how wonderful he is. Besides, I am sure working with a centuries-old alien on a broken time machine is interesting for one of your capabilities. Your request for large quantities of high-proof alcohol to erase the image of the Doctor being molested by an alien squid is denied, though. Just buy it in the mess like everyone else.

The Doctor: You're no longer on probation, but please stop saying that the Nestene creature turned you into, and I quote, 'the victim of a tentacle _hentai_ '. I have no idea what that is, and I am sure I do not want to know. Otherwise, I fear that I may wish to grant Doctor Shaw's request for large quantities of alcohol, if only I may partake of it myself. And I doubt your real name is 'Doctor John Smith'. I may not be versed on alien naming convention, but I am sure your parents didn't choose one of the most common names in the English language. Finally, I hope you are not going to spend your allotted budget on antique cars. UNIT is a serious organisation, not an automobile club!

A MEDICAL NOTICE FROM DOCTOR ELIZABETH SHAW:

If any UNIT personnel have any reliable means of erasing traumatic images from memory, please see me as soon as possible.

( _Handwritten below_ )

I can help. I have a memory worm, but we'll have to be careful, lest it erase everything, including your doctorates, your school years, and your toilet training. The White Guardian knows I'll probably need it myself…

-The Doctor

 **CHAPTER 10 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Sorry about the wait, again. I was spurred to write a new chapter by the renewal of one of this fic's inspirations. jesakofedo has recently started a revamp of** ** _Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Missive from the Commander_** **, called** ** _Neon Genesis Evangelion: Rebuild of A Missive from the Commander_** **. So, here it is. The latest chapter of this fic, and with it, the events of** ** _Spearhead from Space_** **ends. It'll probably be some time before I post the next chapter, which will begin** ** _Doctor Who and the Silurians_** **.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	12. Chapter 11: Wenley Moor, Wenley Less

**CHAPTER 11:**

 **WENLEY MOOR, WENLEY LESS**

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

Given that we are now tasked with guarding the Wenley Moor Research Facility, I would ask each and every one of you to maintain the level of professionalism needed for members of UNIT, and NOT the level of professionalism you have demonstrated thus far. This means refraining from antagonising Director Lawrence, no matter how amusing it seems to be. The man already is on edge with the nervous breakdowns amongst staff, the mysterious power fluctuations, and the incompetence of the canteen staff. About the only thing he was grateful for from us was bringing in NAAFI supplies, and you know the standard of catering is abysmal when they prefer NAAFI food to their own food. No wonder most of them go to the pub for dinner. Major Baker, sadly, thinks that the food is too posh now.

We will be continuing this investigation on three fronts. Major Baker and I will be going over the security files, triple-checking them. Dr Shaw will be looking at the medical side of things. And the Doctor will be checking the cyclotron and related technologies. Incidentally, if you see anyone drawing what look like cave drawings on the wall, especially with their own bodily fluids, only restrain them if you have the capability.

SPECIFIC NOTICES TO PERSONNEL:

Captain Hawkins: Welcome to UNIT. And may God have mercy on your soul. Keep in mind that Captain Munro's initial replacement fell victim to a revenge prank (involving fried scampi and a specially-made laxative) Dr Shaw perpetrated on him for calling her an, and I quote, 'nice bit of tail'. Annoy Dr Shaw at your peril. Annoy me at your peril. And annoy the Doctor at your peril.

Dr Shaw: Your revenge prank on Captain Munro's successor was amusing, but kindly refrain from doing it again, and especially not to Doctor Lawrence or Major Baker, no matter how much they irritate you. And you should feel honoured that the Doctor has named his car after you. Elizabeth is a most excellent name, after all, being the name of two monarchs of this country. Finally, you are to be commended for your quick thinking in preventing Spencer from attacking you, though kneeing him in the groin _once_ is perhaps sufficient. Kicking him repeatedly until his ability to breed is perhaps excessive, even if he acts like a priapic caveman, complete with wall-drawing.

The Doctor: Never, EVER mention anything that could be construed as taking apart extremely expensive machinery with a screwdriver, even if it is sonic. Yes, it is amusing to see the indignant look on Dr Lawrence's face. And don't call Dr Quinn a 'medicine woman': he is most certainly a man, and using references to future television shows and movies is not funny if we can't get the joke. Your idea of a nightly movie to keep up morale, however, has merit.

Dr Lawrence: Sir, I understand that you are the chief administrator of this facility. I understand that you do not want us disrupting your research. But I would venture to say that these mysterious power losses are even more disruptive than UNIT's presence, and so too would a disruption causing this facility to explode. As I am sure that even you would want your internal organs remaining internal, please allow us to go about our business.

Major Baker: Please stop going on about the Reds invading, and the lizard men stealing our electricity. I need more proof of either before I can say anything to the others.

A MEDICAL NOTICE FROM DOCTOR ELIZABETH SHAW:

In light of the increasing incidence of people daubing cave-paintings on the walls, I have decided to open a competition for those willing to try their hand. Please keep in mind that normal materials are to be used at all times. No blood, faecal matter, semen, or NAAFI tea is to be used as cave-painting material. The judges will be myself, Doctor John Smith, and Doctor Meredith, the on-site physician of Wenley Moor Research Facility.

Also, would Major Baker please attend to Doctor Meredith's office? You haven't been taking your medication, and in any case, I have something stronger prescribed.

DOCTOR JOHN SMITH'S NIGHTLY MOVIE:

 _Jurassic Park_

 **CHAPTER 11 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Another long wait for another chapter. Still, here we have the beginning of the events of** ** _Doctor Who and the Silurians_** **.**

 **BTW, I have plenty of** ** _Doctor Who_** **fics for you to peruse, as well as other funny fics. On the** ** _Doctor Who_** **front, I have** ** _Time and Entropy_** **(a crossover with** ** _Puella Magi Madoka Magica_** **, takes a while to get good, but worth it, I think),** ** _The City That Never Was_** **(a crossover with** ** _BioShock Infinite_** **),** ** _Quatermass and the Doctor_** **(NOT a self-insert fic, but the first crossover with the Quatermass serials of the 50s) and** ** _Tuebor_** **(a crossover with** ** _Final Fantasy VI_** **, focusing mostly on Jamie McCrimmon, but featuring the Eighth Doctor as well).**

 **In terms of funny fics, well, there's my** ** _Borderlands_** **SI fics, starting with** ** _Hooked on a Feeling_** **. Then, there is** ** _Your Great-Aunt an AI?!_** **, my Harry Potter/** ** _Portal_** **crossover (now with a recommendation on TV Tropes!). There's** ** _Nitimur in Vetitum_** **and** ** _Newport Mage_** **, two Harry Potter crossovers involving an immortal and unable to die Master of Death Harry in the worlds of** ** _Final Fantasy XII_** **and** ** _Ghost in the Shell_** **respectively. There's** ** _Puella Magi Luna Magica_** **, a two-shot showing what happens when an Incubator from** ** _Puella Magi Madoka Magica_** **makes a contract with Luna Lovegood. And there's** ** _Resident Evil: Basilisk_** **, with a snarky first person POV for Harry, set during the events of** ** _Resident Evil 5_** **.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


End file.
